January 22nd, LOSS OF SELF

I wonder if the true fear, the one which lays at the bottom of everything, is the fear of loss of self.
Truly I do not fear death, at times I might even feel like I welcome it. But the thought that I will be no longer... Terrifies me.
Many phobias can naturally be tied back to the primitive protection instinct, such as the animal subtype. Spiders, insects, dogs, etc. We might fear them as an evolutionary form of protection, against protecting us from death. Other phobias too, I wonder, could also be tied to a similar fear of loss of self, or, with claustrophobia and similar, loss of self-agency. The fear of a breakdown. A fear of disintegration of the ego. True loss of self and agency with it. Is this disordered fear? Am I approaching my own breakdown?

The body's reaction to fear is interesting, and one type I have yet to talk about is the panic. It is a response to fear triggered despite the absence of danger, a false alarm. Furthermore, people who suffer from panic attacks may develop anxiety about having them (McNally, 2012). This once again brings back the anticipatory anxiety, the fear of the approaching threat. McNally goes on to state that this anticipatory anxiety can be enough to trigger further panic attacks, causing the individual to fall into a loop, where any stimuli which may give just a little notion towards a panic attack will be avoided. No wonder I have not been feeling like going outside recently.

And again, death. Evoking "real and imagined scenarios of separation, loss, narcissistic defeat, punishment, atonement, and castration" (Colarusso, 2013)The self is in there somewhere, I believe, woven in amongst all the complex ideas and patterns which we are constructed through, our pride and narcissism, our being there. Once more, I am filled with anxiety. Of a threat looming in the distance, ever present, slowly approaching -- much like a predator, tensing up my body in defence. I dare not move.